I am trying something new this year. Instead of typing out the Christmas letter, I am dictating it to our new digital assistant, Alexa. Hopefully, this will save me some time, as I will be able to take care of some other important tasks while I update you on our lives. Yeah, hi, could I get two Big Macs, a large fry, and a medium chocolate shake? Actually, a large chocolate shake. Alexa, you’re not writing this part down, are you?

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You’ll never believe what this family did this year! Read on to learn their one weird tip for beating the cold!

Fast forward to July, because nothing before that matters. We sold our house and three of our belongings and moved 2,000 miles away to Oregon, the land where water is liquid year-round and your snot never freezes and the mailman delivers fresh homemade marshmallows every day! To be honest though, I’m starting to get sick of so many marshmallows! I mean, how many marshmallows can a guy eat?! After the first 20 or 30 each day, it’s a real chore to keep all these marshmallows down!

When we sold our house, we got top dollar for it. (The realtors and the bank took all of the other dollars in the stack.) We took that dollar and used it to put gas in our car for the long trip out to Medford, Oregon. Fun fact: You could drive from Minneapolis to any of the state capitals in less time than it takes to drive to Medford. Especially if you speed!

On our journey to Oregon, we saw all of the sights the North has to offer: Mount Rushmore, a cow, Old Faithful, and that thing where two swans touch their heads together and their necks make the shape of a heart. We almost slept in a teepee, and I’m happy to report that not a single member of our party died of dysentery, but we did see a lot of tombstones mentioning cheese and pepperoni.

“Fortunately,” we did not move to Oregon until after our yearly Minnesota camping trip. Even more “fortunately,” Oregon’s camping season is much longer than Minnesota’s, so we “got” to go camping again after we moved. How “fortunate” are we that we “got” to go camping two times in one year?? Two times. Imagine that. Can you even imagine it? I couldn’t. Until it happened to me.

Oregon is a magical place. Here’s proof: in October, I guessed the combination of a Master Lock on the first try. The first try! In Minnesota, it would take me two tries, but not in Oregon!

Gloria had two surgeries to clear her tear ducts so that her tears would drain normally and not smear all over her cute little face. Now the only thing smeared all over her cute little face is boogers and food and markers and juice.

While Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes, Oregon is the land of approximately one lake. But what a lake! It was formed by a volcano and has an island in the middle! Gee willikers! It’s called Crater Lake, and we visited it to give it the Minnesotan Lake Stamp of Approval, but they didn’t know what we were talking about so we had to just stamp it on a rock and run away real quick.

Gabriel is in first grade now, and Gideon has started Pre-K. Most of Gabriel’s credits transferred from Minnesota, so he only has to retake Shapes 101 and Introduction to Glitter Applications.

In Oregon, you cannot pump your own gas, but you can grow your own grass, so that’s been quite an adjustment to make.

I hear it’s snowing in Minnesota. LOL.

Before I can even open with a greeting, I need to share the most important news since our last Christmas letter: Late last December, Jon Lovitz personally replied to me on Twitter. THE Jon Lovitz, of “Saturday Night Live” and “City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold” fame. Now, I don’t consider myself a hero, but if some people want to call me that, well…

Friend, sit down with a mug of hot cocoa, a blanket, and a purring kitten, because you’ve been waiting all year for this letter to arrive and you deserve to be pampered. Find a quiet room where you won’t be disturbed, because this letter is like a massage for your mind that you won’t want interrupted by your so-called “friends” or “family.” Calgon, take us away!

Christina and I both turned 30 this year, and since neither of us have had midlife crises yet, we’re guaranteed to not die before the age of 60. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.

I went to Hawaii in January (again, ugh!) for work. Fun fact: my computer screen looks exactly the same on a desk in Hawaii as it does on a desk in Minnesota.

Gabriel is in kindergarten now. I know what you’re thinking: “Is his kindergarten experience identical to the events in the Oscar-worthy 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger film ‘Kindergarten Cop’?” Yes. Yes it is. “Get to da choppa!” Ha ha ha.

Gideon had been struggling with eczema and extremely itchy skin, so we put him on a restricted diet, and it has really helped. Basically, we don’t let him eat poison ivy leaves anymore. Sometimes just one as a treat if he’s been really good. It’s so hard to say no to that adorable little boy when he asks “Just one more leaf? Please??”

Gloria’s still around here somewhere.

I went to Park City, Utah in September for work. Fun fact: my computer screen looks exactly the same on a desk in Utah as it does on a desk in Minnesota, except blurrier due to oxygen deprivation.

Christina went to Las Vegas in October with her mom, sister, and Shania Twain. I would tell you what they did there, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

I bought a 3D printer this spring. A 3D printer is this machine where you feed in money, and it gives you plastic trinkets that everyone asks why you didn’t just buy them at the store in the first place but what they don’t understand is that you do get to feel marginally superior because your plastic trinkets were homemade, until they break, but then you can print a replacement basically for free, as long as you don’t put a monetary value on your time.

We went on a family vacation this summer to Lake Superior and Wisconsin Dells. I would rate our time at Lake Superior as “superior,” and our time at Wisconsin Dells as “dells.” Wisconsin Dells is known for having many outdoor water parks, which, for a city further north than some parts of Canada, is either incredibly optimistic or incredibly short-sighted.

I built a Minneapolis-themed table that is now residing in the art museum at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts. Well, at least until they notice that I put it there.

We went camping again this year. The mosquitoes were so big that even they were making the “state bird” joke. Just kidding, mosquitoes can’t talk. The mosquitoes were so big that they were quite a nuisance and many people complained about them. Boom, roasted!

We’ve really embraced social media. This year, Christina and I tweeted, Facebooked, and Foursquared 4,226 times. That’s an average of 5.5 times per day per person, or in metric, a buttload of wasted time (1.1 Imperial buttloads). It’s easier to understand how much that is with a visualization: If we had instead spent 30 seconds talking to our kids each of those times instead of using our smartphones, then we would be good parents.

Merry Christmas!

Chris, Christina, Gabriel, Gideon, and Gloria

HEY YOU GUYS,

Blah blah blah introduction. Let’s get down to business.

In January, I took a trip to New York City to meet my co-workers for the first time, and Christina used the opportunity to jet to Oregon with Gideon to visit a friend. I’m not sure what Gabriel did while we were gone; you’ll have to read his Christmas letter to find out.

This spring, I threw myself into the political process and was elected as a delegate at the precinct, county, and state level for Ron Paul. The political process promptly threw me back, choosing to support Mitt Romney instead. By the time this letter reaches you, I’ll have either been proven wrong or revealed as a wise soothsayer that the country should have heeded. My money is on the sooth.

In March, we got new windows put on our house. They look nice, but the process was a pane.

Christina held a garage sale in April, and boy were her arms tired! Because it would be hard to hold a garage sale in your arms! Because it would be heavy! LOL!

In May, I took another “work” trip, this time to Vegas. Unfortunately for you, I am contractually obligated by the city of Las Vegas to ensure that what happened within the city limits of Las Vegas stays within the city limits of Las Vegas.

Get it? “Pane?” Because of windows!

Gabriel played his first team sport this year: three sessions of tee ball in June. In a startling display of segue, I also took him to his first professional sporting event later in the summer, to see the Twins with Grandpa and Jacob Finke. I didn’t plan it that way just so this letter would flow, but it definitely worked out. He enjoyed both tee ball and the Twins game equally, which is to say, little.

We did the annual family camping trip at the end of June. The weather was perfect, there were no bugs, and the kids slept for 10 hours each night. (Can you find the three lies in the previous sentence?)

August put me on an airplane again, this time to San Diego for an all-company meetup. (The meetup was in September; August was the name of the Delta airlines flight attendant.)

Gabriel started preschool in September. He also ended preschool in September. We decided his crying and refusal to attend each day were signs that he was too advanced for school. We’ll see if he’s still too advanced next year.

I should probably say something about Gideon.

I did the Paleo challenge for a month this year. If you’re not familiar, the Paleo diet involves eating only food that would have been eaten in caveman days; it’s supposed to make you healthier and hardier. Unfortunately, I didn’t look up the exact definition until it was too late, and I had spent a month eating bread, swiss cheese, potatoes, and milk — they’re pale, yo.

Christina spent a lot of time this year traveling back and forth to the Mayo Clinic with her dad while he was treated for esophageal cancer and subsequently underwent a gastrectomy. (Not Christina, her dad.) The surgery has changed him a little: he used to love steak, but now, he just doesn’t have the stomach for it.

This year, Gideon turned one year old, as children tend to do a year after they are born. (Next year, we are hoping that he will turn two, but we would settle for three.) He is a regular chatterbox; I stopped keeping track of his vocabulary once it hit 350 words. Speaking of which, did you know that it is possible to only know 350 words but never stop talking?

We bought a new car in October. Well, “new.” And “car.” And “October.” Okay, we bought a used SUV in November.

Merry Christmas,

Chris, Christina, Gabriel, and Gideon