Christmas, Life

Our 2014 Christmas Letter

Before I can even open with a greeting, I need to share the most important news since our last Christmas letter: Late last December, Jon Lovitz personally replied to me on Twitter. THE Jon Lovitz, of “Saturday Night Live” and “City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold” fame. Now, I don’t consider myself a hero, but if some people want to call me that, well…

Friend, sit down with a mug of hot cocoa, a blanket, and a purring kitten, because you’ve been waiting all year for this letter to arrive and you deserve to be pampered. Find a quiet room where you won’t be disturbed, because this letter is like a massage for your mind that you won’t want interrupted by your so-called “friends” or “family.” Calgon, take us away!

Christina and I both turned 30 this year, and since neither of us have had midlife crises yet, we’re guaranteed to not die before the age of 60. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.

I went to Hawaii in January (again, ugh!) for work. Fun fact: my computer screen looks exactly the same on a desk in Hawaii as it does on a desk in Minnesota.

Gabriel is in kindergarten now. I know what you’re thinking: “Is his kindergarten experience identical to the events in the Oscar-worthy 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger film ‘Kindergarten Cop’?” Yes. Yes it is. “Get to da choppa!” Ha ha ha.

Gideon had been struggling with eczema and extremely itchy skin, so we put him on a restricted diet, and it has really helped. Basically, we don’t let him eat poison ivy leaves anymore. Sometimes just one as a treat if he’s been really good. It’s so hard to say no to that adorable little boy when he asks “Just one more leaf? Please??”

Gloria’s still around here somewhere.

I went to Park City, Utah in September for work. Fun fact: my computer screen looks exactly the same on a desk in Utah as it does on a desk in Minnesota, except blurrier due to oxygen deprivation.

Christina went to Las Vegas in October with her mom, sister, and Shania Twain. I would tell you what they did there, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

I bought a 3D printer this spring. A 3D printer is this machine where you feed in money, and it gives you plastic trinkets that everyone asks why you didn’t just buy them at the store in the first place but what they don’t understand is that you do get to feel marginally superior because your plastic trinkets were homemade, until they break, but then you can print a replacement basically for free, as long as you don’t put a monetary value on your time.

We went on a family vacation this summer to Lake Superior and Wisconsin Dells. I would rate our time at Lake Superior as “superior,” and our time at Wisconsin Dells as “dells.” Wisconsin Dells is known for having many outdoor water parks, which, for a city further north than some parts of Canada, is either incredibly optimistic or incredibly short-sighted.

I built a Minneapolis-themed table that is now residing in the art museum at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts. Well, at least until they notice that I put it there.

We went camping again this year. The mosquitoes were so big that even they were making the “state bird” joke. Just kidding, mosquitoes can’t talk. The mosquitoes were so big that they were quite a nuisance and many people complained about them. Boom, roasted!

We’ve really embraced social media. This year, Christina and I tweeted, Facebooked, and Foursquared 4,226 times. That’s an average of 5.5 times per day per person, or in metric, a buttload of wasted time (1.1 Imperial buttloads). It’s easier to understand how much that is with a visualization: If we had instead spent 30 seconds talking to our kids each of those times instead of using our smartphones, then we would be good parents.

Merry Christmas!

Chris, Christina, Gabriel, Gideon, and Gloria

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